theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
