Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
MIDGETS
????
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
