My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
