Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
