genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
