Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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