If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
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