"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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