Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
