Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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