So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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