There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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