she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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