I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
