were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
