I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
