just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
