She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
