The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
