I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
