You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
