im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
