I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
