The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
