Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
