I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
