Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
