My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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