Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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