Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
