True but thats because hes a fetus.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
