I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
