He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
