my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
