i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
