Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
