i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
