Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
