Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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