Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
