bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
