so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
