The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Randomize
