my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Randomize
