i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
