This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
