i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
