so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
