I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
it's like heaven, but drunker
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
