I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
